Perfectionism is often seen as a positive trait, one that drives people to achieve great things. And it’s not always bad! However, there's a dark side to perfectionism that can lead to significant stress, anxiety, and burnout. It’s when it leads to these things that perfectionism can become maladaptive. Many people who struggle with perfectionism may not even realize it, attributing their relentless pursuit of excellence to simply having high standards. As a therapist specializing in anxiety and perfectionism, I often encounter individuals who are unaware of the harmful impact their perfectionist tendencies have on their mental health. They often think it’s just a part of their personality. In this blog post, we'll explore the subtle signs that you may be struggling with perfectionism without even knowing it.

1. Constantly Striving for Perfection

One of the hallmark signs of perfectionism is an incessant drive to achieve perfection in everything you do. Whether it's your work, appearance, relationships, or even hobbies, nothing short of being the “best” is acceptable. You may spend an inordinate amount of time and energy refining details that others would consider inconsequential. When you were in school, did getting anything other than an “A” make you feel like a failure? At work, if you get any feedback (even constructive) do you feel like you failed because you didn’t carry out your work flawlessly? This relentless pursuit of perfection can be exhausting and often leads to frustration and disappointment when things don't turn out exactly as planned.

2. Setting Unrealistically High Standards

Perfectionists often set unattainably high standards for themselves and others. These standards are not just high; they are often impossible to meet. While striving for excellence can be motivating, setting goals that are consistently out of reach can lead to chronic dissatisfaction and a persistent sense of failure. You could have reached almost every goal along the way but if you haven’t reached one, you feel like you failed. You might find yourself never feeling good enough, no matter how much you accomplish.

3. Fear of Failure and Mistakes

A fear of failure and making mistakes is a common sign of perfectionism. You might go to great lengths to avoid situations where there is a risk of failure, even if it means missing out on valuable opportunities. This fear can be paralyzing, preventing you from taking risks, trying new things, or stepping out of your comfort zone. The thought of making a mistake can cause intense anxiety and self-criticism.

4. Procrastination

Ironically, perfectionism can often lead to procrastination. The fear of not being able to complete a task perfectly can result in putting it off over and over again. Excuses keep being made as to why you can’t do it yet or you decide to do other things first. But really you find yourself avoiding tasks or projects because you fear the outcome won't meet your high standards. If you can’t complete the task or do it in the exact way that you want, you avoid it. This procrastination can create a vicious cycle of stress and last-minute pressure, further exacerbating your anxiety.

5. Difficulty Delegating Tasks

Perfectionists often struggle with delegating tasks to others, fearing that the work won't be done “the right way”. You don’t trust others to do things the way that you would and you consider the way others do things to be wrong. You might feel that it's easier to do everything yourself, even if it means taking on more than you can handle. This reluctance to delegate can lead to overwhelm and burnout, as you try to manage an unrealistic workload on your own because of your distrust in the ability of others.

6. All-or-Nothing Thinking

All-or-nothing thinking is a cognitive distortion commonly associated with perfectionism. You might view situations in black-and-white terms, with no middle ground. For example, if a project isn't perfect, you consider it a total failure. This type of rigid thinking can prevent you from recognizing and appreciating the progress and partial successes you achieve along the way. But unfortunately to you, partial success equals failure and is not seen as a success.

7. Extreme Self-Criticism

Perfectionists are often their own harshest critics. You might not even realize but you engage in constant negative self-talk, berating yourself for perceived shortcomings or mistakes. This extreme self-criticism can erode yourself-esteem and contribute to feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. Overtime, this negative self-assessment can become a pervasive and debilitating pattern. It doesn’t matter if you say these things out loud or it remains your head. The harsh things you think about yourself still make a difference even if you don't say it out loud.

8. Difficulty Accepting Compliments

If you struggle with perfectionism, you might find it difficult to accept compliments or praise. You may downplay your achievements, focusing instead on what you could have done better. This inability to recognize and celebrate your successes can prevent you from experiencing a sense of accomplishment and pride in your work. Other people may recognize all your effort and be proud of you, but to you it doesn't feel like something to be proud of. It's not "big enough" to be a big deal.

9. Chronic Stress and Anxiety

The constant pressure to meet impossibly high standards can lead to chronic stress and anxiety. You might experience physical symptoms such as headaches, muscle tension, or digestive issues as a result of this ongoing stress. Mentally, you may feel constantly on edge, unable to relax or enjoy the present moment.

10. Your Worth is Attached to Your Achievements

Perfectionists often feel an incredible sense of shame and self doubt when they make a mistake or something does not turn out as intended. In reality, it’s normal for things to not work out the way you planned and people make mistakes, but when someone who struggles with perfectionism doesn't achieve something they intended, it leads them to feel terrible about themselves. That's why when something isn’t achieved your feelings of worth plummet.

11. Difficulty Relaxing and Enjoying Free Time

Perfectionists often find it difficult to relax and enjoy their free time. You might feel guilty for taking a break or engaging in leisure activities, believing that you should always be productive. This constant drive to be doing something "useful" can lead to burnout and deprive you of the restorative benefits of relaxation and hobbies. It can even be hard to enjoy the free time you do have because you’re sitting there thinking about the time you’re wasting when you could be “getting ahead” on other things.

How to Overcome Perfectionism

Recognizing that you might be struggling with perfectionism is the first step toward addressing it. This isn't necessarily all inclusive. All people and their struggles and symptoms are unique. If you notice perfectionism is something holding you back from living a happy life, here are some ways to start to make change.

1. Set Realistic Goals: Aim for achievable and realistic goals instead of perfection. Assess if the goal that you have for yourself is necessary and/or realistic. Is your internal expectation or an external expectation from someone else?
2. Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. Acknowledge your     efforts and give yourself permission to make mistakes.
3. Pay Attention to How You Speak to Yourself: Listen to the things you think about yourself in your head and that come out of your mouth. This gives you time to assess if these thoughts are based on reality or based on your own biased expectations.
4. Embrace Imperfection: Accept that imperfection is a natural part of life. If something didn’t work out. You can give yourself time to be disappointed about it, and then think about what you can learn from the situation or do differently.
5. Delegate and Ask for Help: Recognize that you don't have to do everything on your own. Delegate tasks when possible and seek support from others. Do others have to do things the exact same way as you for it to work?
6. Take Values Based Action: Identify what in life is important to you and learn to say yes or no to things based on if that action would align with your values.
7. Practice Mindfulness: Engage in practices/hobbies to stay present in the moment and reduce anxiety. Often, perfectionists are so focused on what didn’t work out in the past or on achieving goals in the future, that the present moment is lost. Mindfulness can help you let go of the need for control and embrace what’s happening in the here and now.
8. Celebrate Your Achievements: Take time to acknowledge and celebrate your successes, no matter how small. Recognize your accomplishments along the way to your goals and give yourself credit for the work you’ve put in, instead of the outcome.

Perfectionism can be a double-edged sword, driving you to excel while also causing significant stress and anxiety. By recognizing the subtle signs of maladaptive perfectionism and implementing strategies to address it, you can cultivate a healthier, more balanced approach to life. Remember, progress, not perfection, is the key to achieving your goals and maintaining your well-being. If you find that perfectionism is significantly impacting your mental health, consider seeking support from a licensed professional who can help you navigate these challenges and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

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