Reaching out to start therapy for the first time can be daunting. There are so many unknowns when you’re just getting started.

How many of these questions have you asked yourself when starting to look for therapy? If any of them jump out to you, feel free to skim and go to the part of the article where your particular question will be answered.

1.   What do I say when I call?

2.   What do they want me to say in my inquiry message?

3.   What are they gonna ask me?

4.   Is my problem bad enough to reach out for? What if they think this is a silly thing to want therapy for? Is this problem too big for someone to deal with?

5.   What if I don’t get a call back?

6.   Do I have to be completely honest on this first call? I don’t know this person and I don’t know if I feel comfortable sharing my deepest darkest secrets with a person I don’t even know.

7.   What if I forget to say something and leave something out that I wanted to say?

8.   What, if anything, am I supposed to ask them? What am I allowed to ask?

9.   This initial call is only 15 minutes - how on earth do I distill my current life issues and relevant history into 15 minutes?

10.  What if I decide I don’t like who I’m speaking to – how do I politely turn them down?

11.  What if I just can’t commit to saying yes right away and I need time to think about it – how do I tell them that?

12.  Am I making them feel bad if I don’t say yes right away?

13.  What if I choose a therapist and say yes and then decide I don’t want to start?

14.  Or what if I actually start therapy with this person and I decide they’re not a right fit?

15.  Or simply, I have no idea how this process works and no clue where to start!

And right there, 15 questions that I just rattled off, off the top of my head that are bouncing around in someone's brain when they’re trying to decide if they should look for therapy.

Well I’m here to put you at ease and answer these questions for you. I primarily work with overthinking perfectionists with high functioning anxiety. All this painstaking overthinking often leads to lack of action being taken. This leaves these people waiting to access support because they don’t know how to do it the “right” way or they fixate on how to find the “perfect” fit as a therapist.

So here are my answers to these questions so you don’t have to keep ruminating and don’t need to continue to wait to ask for help.

‍

1.   What do I say when I call? & 2.   What do they want me to say in my inquiry message?

First of all, just so you know what to expect…if you’re calling a clinic with many mental health professionals, often you will not be speaking to the therapist yourself, you’ll be speaking to a front desk professional who’s job it is to find out what’s been going on for you recently that you decided to reach out and has an understanding of the specialties of each provider. They are often skilled at being able to connect you to a therapist at the practice who should be the “best fit” for your given areas of concern. If you’re reaching out to an individual provider you will often be speaking to the therapist themselves.

Either way, what it is you actually say doesn’t matter too much. If you’re leaving a voicemail or writing a message through someone’s website all you need to say is that you’re looking for individual therapy (or if there’s a specific type of therapy you know of that you’re looking for you can explain that too) to deal with whatever your current issue you’re struggling with is. As long as you leave your name and phone number and/or email address they should contact you and ask you whatever they need to know. They should guide you through the process of the consultation call.

Some examples of what you can write or say when inquiring about therapy are…

“Hi, my name is ___________ and I’m looking for individual (couples/family) therapy to deal with anxiety. I’ve been struggling with panic attacks lately. The number you can reach me at is______.”

"Hi, my name is __________. I’m a 35-year-old male looking for individual therapy. I’ve been having issues at work and problems in my relationship that I would like to get help dealing with in a better way. The number you can reach me at is _________.”

"Hi, my name is ____________ and I’m reaching out in search of couple’s therapy. My husband and I have been married (however many years) and we’ve been arguing constantly and would like to figure out how to communicate better. We are interested in someone trained in the Gottman Method. The number you can reach me at is _________.”

3.   What are they gonna ask me?

I’ll be honest this can somewhat vary from provider to provider and depending on the clinic but they will ask for you to summarize what it is that’s been going on that led to you reaching out (we’ll talk more later about how to summarize this for you). They may ask you a brief history of if these symptoms or issues are new or something you’ve dealt with for a while. They will often ask if you’ve been in therapy before and your experience for better or worse (it’s okay to be honest about this if your previous experience wasn’t positive!).

Answering this honestly helps them match you to the correct therapist OR lets the therapist you’re speaking to know if you’re looking for something that maybe makes it clear they aren’t the right fit for you. If you’ve never been to therapy that’s okay too and helpful to know. They will probably ask you basic demographic information such as age, address, gender, gender identity, pronouns, who you live with, times of availability, contact information, people you may consent for them to speak to as an emergency contact.

Also, they should be clearly explaining certain logistical protocols of the practice such as payment and payment options, virtual or in-person options, no show/cancellation policies, next steps, and an explanation of how/when they need consent paperwork completed by.

4.   Is my problem bad enough to reach out for? What if they think this is a silly thing to want therapy for? Is this problem too big for someone to deal with?

I can say with 100% honesty I’ve NEVER gotten off a call with a person and said “that’s a weird thing for them to think is a problem” or “I don’t know why they’d want to go to therapy for this”. Everyone is human and has their own struggles. No problem is “too small”. I say often that I think therapy actually can be extremely helpful if you see yourself or your life going into a direction you’re unhappy with even if nothing catastrophic has happened. If you’re going because you see a pattern you don’t like or have a worry you’d like to explore you can always explain this and therapy can give you a space to reflect on this concern. It can provide the tools to manage or learn how to deal with potential roadblocks further down the line. It’s okay for therapy to be preventative rather than reactive and there is no shame in that.

I recently had a parent of an adult child reach out to me to explore how they could deal with their adult child’s mental health and the impact it was having on them. They asked if it was silly to be asking to go to therapy because someone in their family was having a mental health struggle. I get this question a lot. Mental health is a family issue. If someone you have any type of relationship with is struggling emotionally (family, romantic partner, friends, colleague) it can impact the entire system and it’s okay if the impact it’s having on you is causing feelings and reactions that you’d like to explore.

As far as“too big” to deal with. I promise as therapists we’ve heard a lot. Sometimes there may be something we’ve never heard before but that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. For example, if there’s an abuse situation that is currently in legal proceedings, or a certain type of chronic trauma, self-harm, or suicidal ideation it doesn’t mean that you’re going to scare us away. It's important that we know if certain things are happening so that we know if it’s in our scope of practice and experience. If a therapist tells you that another provider may be a better fit, that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you or your problem. That just means they want you to get proper care in the form of a therapist who has more experience in treating your particular issue.

5.   What if I don’t get a call back?

I know it’s frustrating if you actually took the steps to reach out to a therapist that you feel you’d want to work with and don’t hear back. That actually makes me sad to hear that clients don’t hear back at all. I do personally intend to respond to every person I have a request from, but we’re all human so it’s possible mistakes can be made and a call or email can get lost in the shuffle.

My suggestion is you can always call, email, or send an inquiry message again if you really have interest in a particular therapist in the event it really was an oversight. But if you don’t hear back, DON’T GIVE UP. It’s frustrating to not hear back but I would say to keep messaging and calling different therapists. Even if you’re not exactly sure if they in particular would be a good fit, you could always ask if they have a recommendation for you.

6.   Do I have to be completely honest on this first call? I don’t know this person and I don’t know if I feel comfortable sharing my deepest darkest secrets with a person I don’t even know.

You’re able to be as open as you want to be on the initial consult call. It’s helpful to have a general understanding of what’s been going on or if there is some sort of mental health history but there’s no need to explain every detail on the consult call. There will be plenty of time to get more into it in session in the future. That being said, if there is a history of suicidal ideation, self-harm, or other diagnoses in the past it is helpful to know but you have every right to mention during the consult call that something happened and say you’d prefer to talk about it further in session or don’t feel comfortable getting into detail on the initial call. It is okay to set that boundary.

7.   What if I forget to say something and leave something out that I wanted to say?

You can always get into things further when you meet for session. If you aren’t sure if there’s something you need to make clear prior to session, I always tell potential clients they can call, email, or text me if they have any questions before their first scheduled session if anything is unclear.

8.   What, if anything, am I supposed to ask them? What am I allowed to ask?

You can ask them anything you think would be important to you in regards to treatment. I try to include the explanation of some of these during my initial consult call so you won’t have to ask some of these questions anyway but just in case it’s not explained by the therapist…some examples of questions include:

Do you have experience treating people with similar issues to mine?

What would your approach be to working with me on the issues I’ve presented to you?

What does an initial session look like?

What can I expect a normal therapy session with you to look like?

How frequently and for how long can I expect to be in treatment with you?

How will we know it’s time to end therapy?

What will my payment responsibility be and what is the procedure to pay?

What is your cancellation policy?

If I decide to schedule an appointment with you, what are the next steps?

Is there anything I have to have ready or prepared for my first appointment?

9.   This initial call is only 15 minutes - how on earth do I distill my current life issues and relevant history into 15 minutes?

There’s no wrong way to do a consultation call. I constantly have clients asking me if they’re doing it right and I’ll tell you in the many calls I’ve had no one has ever done it wrong. There is time to be mindful of, so the therapist may guide you or ask you specific questions for the sake of time and to help guide you in the right direction. But all you have to do is answer the questions presented to you. If the therapist asks you a general question about what prompted you to call for a consult, just start by explaining to the best of your ability what that is. A tip that can be helpful that I’ve used myself is to have a list of bullet points (I do this for medical and mental health appointments) that I want to make sure I get to so that I may not forget something relevant I wanted to share.

10.  What if I decide I don’t like who I’m speaking to – how do I politely turn them down? 11.  What if I just can’t commit to saying yes right away and I need time to think about it – how do I tell them that? & 12.  Am I making them feel bad if I don’t say yes right away?

It’s more than okay if you need to tell them that you want more time to think over your options or to explain if you have other therapists you’re speaking to and want to think more about the decision. There is no obligation to make a decision on the spot if you’re uncomfortable. By design, a consultation call is exploratory and for both of you to decide if it’s the right fit. There should be an understanding that this is an important decision for you and you want to make sure you make the right choice. That being said, if you do need time to think about it, there is always the chance that their availability could fill up before you make the choice. If that’s a concern and you think you may be interested you can always ask for their availability and ask about their policy on holding a spot.

13.  What if I choose a therapist and say yes and then decide I don’t want to start?

I would first consider the reason you may want to be backing out. If it’s out of fear about starting therapy, then I would suggest at least moving forward with the first session and being honest about this fear. It can give you the opportunity to explore this hesitation with your therapist in the first session. You can work through these fears that you are having. That’s what the therapist is there for.

If you have found another therapist then you’re more than welcome to explain that and ask to cancel your scheduled appointment. I’ve also had clients thank me for their time and say they decided they are going to put therapy on hold for the time being. That is also okay. What is important is to understand the cancellation policy. If your card is already on file and their policy is to cancel a certain amount of time before each appointment it is important to understand you may still be charged depending on the policy. But I ask PLEASE if you are going to cancel your appointment, tell the therapist. It’s really difficult for us when we have a client book an appointment and do or don’t fill out the paperwork and ghost us. We would really like to know as much ahead of time as possible if we are going to expect you in session or not just so we can properly plan ahead.

14.  Or what if I actually start therapy with this person and I decide they’re not a right fit?

I always try and remember to explain that the first few sessions are to get to know each other and the process. I try and gauge early on after the first few sessions, how the client is feeling about the process. So if you decide that you would like more tools or skills to use in between session times because you feel that would be more beneficial, you can say that. If you feel we’re giving you too many tools and you feel overwhelmed, you can also tell us that. It’s important to share how you’re feeling about the process so we can get an idea of your preferences as far as how you communicate and learn best and what your goals are and continue to be. I tell my clients that our relationship isn’t a blood pact we don’t have to do sessions until the end of time. You don’t have to feel like you’re breaking up with me if you decide you’d like to move on in a different direction. Honestly, since I work with a lot of clients who tend to struggle with people-pleasing behavior, I’m generally thrilled when a client is able to advocate for themselves when I know that’s something that it typically hard for them.

15.  Or simply, I have no idea how this process works and no clue where to start!

There can be many options out there and it can seem hard to know where to start. I know many people start with a google search and if this is the case, you can look through different websites that have lists of providers with the ability to check off things you're looking for (In-person vs. virtual, location, gender, specialty, insurance or self pay rate). Some of these websites are Psychology Today, Zoc Doc, ZenCare, and Therapy Den, etc.

If you need to utilize your insurance to pay for therapy, you can also find resources on the website that is associated with your insurance. This website is usually located somewhere on your insurance card. Very often, you can put in the type of service (medically or mental health) and it can come up with a list of providers that accept your insurance. I know this can be difficult because you don't have very much information about these providers other than contact info.

I'd also suggest to call your insurance company to find out about your out-of-network benefits. If your insurance has out-of-network benefits you will have the option of seeing a therapist that doesn't accept your insurance. If this is the case, your insurance will be able to reimburse you a certain percentage that you pay per session. This is an important thing to be aware of so that it could possibly broaden your search of who you can financially afford to work with.

What I would actually suggest the most is asking a friend or family member if they know someone. I know this can be a scary thing to do if you find it hard to be vulnerable with others, but you can ask someone close to you if they know a therapist they trust. Even if you wouldn’t see their therapist, they can ask for a referral for you. I often have clients who ask for referrals for their significant others, parents, children, or friends, and I’m more than happy to provide them with a resource!

‍

I know that finding therapy can be difficult to navigate but if it’s something you’ve been thinking about, the important part is to just start and make a move to reach out. Of course do your due diligence to find a therapist you believe would be a right fit, but even if you don’t on the first try, you can always try again. Don’t let fear be the thing that stops you from reaching out for help.